Trying to be honest.......

I survived the week without Gavin and I have to say...... Being without my "meaning in life" has opened a window to what I need to deal with. I have many MANY issues that I didn't even realize that I have ever had. I had time to actually think about my life and how it has and IS changing. To be in your familiar "safe zone" with something major missing. It just gets your mind rolling. I came to the fact that I am a stay at home mom...I love it but I live for my family and not myself. I also realized that I keep my house clean because I'm scared of what someone might think more then my supposed love for cleaning. And I have no real friends in this new location I call home (actually I have one...Emmie I know your reading this but you don't really count cause your family)....all of my true girlfriends are far and away. The distance makes the heart grow founder but can also make the relationship itself weaker. AND to top it off....I have found that I miss alcohol way too much. But I do say this with a smile. I mean come on....it's only 3 more months. But its like I can't be or have fun without it. I know in my heart that its not true...but it sure feels true.

I also always thought that the more people you surround yourself with meant that you never had to feel sad and alone. This is not true.

I guess what I am saying is that I am normal... Meaning I don't have my shit together, even though I try to pretend. Does anyone really have it all together!? I would love to talk to someone who thinks they do...I used to be that person. But I'm not sure why...actually I do. Because for whatever reason I have people tell me that all of the time. I've heard it so much that it MUST be true. But sadly it's not. But what determines the standard that makes you think, "man she really has it together!" ?????

Now could this all be caused by the hormones?!?...sure...but I like to think that this is all COMING OUT because of the hormones. You can't try to improve yourself until you have determined the problem. And some of the most ridiculous people in my life never think that anything is THEIR fault, they are ALWAYS right, EVERYOONE ELSE is to blame. I never want to be that person. But is blogging about bits and pieces of my near to depression going to help!? Who knows, but it can only make me a better person....right!?